Dear Bed Bath & Beyond,

First things first, your name is a little too intense. The "beyond" part could easily be replaced with "kitchenware" or “George Foreman grills” or even “storage bins.” The word “beyond” takes me to some magical place where streets are lined with down comforters and everyone is wearing Snuggies as people sip Brita-filtered water and enjoy cocktails in their brightly colored martini glasses while burgers are sizzling away on Calphalon grill pans. What a magical land, this “beyond.” How I wish to visit it.

I would like to congratulate you, however, on your brilliance at dominating the wedding registry market. Perhaps this is where the “beyond” comes into play. Bed, Bath & Our Customers Will Pay All Of Our Kids’ College Tuitions From All The Money They Spend On Endless Wedding Registry Gifts. (It’s ok to stick with BB&B, that name is a little long and might (just might) turn some people off.) And the free wrapping? You found my weakness, BB&B. You had me at “free.” You are so kind to throw in that silver-colored box and little white bow, how could I ever thank you enough? Yes, my silver box shows that I don’t really care to be creative nor cute nor thoughtful in my wrapping, but hey, we can’t all be Martha. BB&B, I can come in 30 minutes prior to a wedding shower, get a gift, have it wrapped, and still have time to smell all of the candle fragrances. You allow me to be ME, and I thank you for that.

Finally, I would like to propose a suggestion. You know how you shower my mailbox weekly with coupons? And then send me emails with coupons? And then advertise in magazines I read with coupons? Well, maybe - just MAYBE - you could go ahead and make the whole entire store 20% off. Just a suggestion.

Until 30 minutes prior to my next wedding shower,
Julia