Oh, college

I came in contact with a little freshman today trying to navigate her way around campus on her first day of college. I could imagine that the same look of pure terror in her eyes would be seen if she were being chased by a pack of rabid dogs as acid rain was falling out of the sky and piranhas were eating her alive. Good thing it's just a sunny Tuesday in the one of the "top 20 safest mid-sized cities in the country." All that could hurt her here is a paper cut from the map she's so intensely trying to decipher.

Fear not, little freshman, fear not. Something tells me you'll survive...

Video chatting

Why do we video chat? No, really. Why? Is it really necessary to SEE the other person? Truthfully, we’re not really watching the other person when we video chat, we’re watching ourselves in the bottom corner of the screen. How do I look to other people? Ohhhh. My face looks a little strange. Maybe if I raise my eyebrows and lift my chin a little…yes, that helps. Ehh, and my hair is looking a little messed up *toss of head* there, that’s better *raise eyebrows again* but the light on me is a little weak. Here, I’ll go turn on this lamp so they can see me better, oh, but I’m plugged into the wall. “Hey, just a second, I’m going to turn on the light so you can see me better,” you say. You quickly flip on the light and rush back *toss hair, raise eyebrows, chin up* Meanwhile, your video chat friend can see your eyes tracking to the bottom of the screen and they can tell that you’re only looking at yourself (dangit!, cover blown – it’s like they can see you or something). But truthfully they’re doing the same thing, looking at only themselves, so it’s ok. And at the end of your video chat, you’ve talked about absolutely nothing and have given each other about 1/3 the concentration you could have given them on the phone.

So, long story short, if you don’t have a camera on your computer, don’t feel left out. Just go into the bathroom and make a phone call while looking at yourself in the mirror. You’ll get the same experience for zero of the price. “Video” chat away…

If Mr. & Mrs. Stick went on a 1-day diet

blog (blŏg)
verb weblog, blogging, blogged

1. To completely waste time and be looked down upon by people who get paid to write
2. To tell everyone things about you they don’t really need to know and to point out “obvious subtleties”
3. To utilize the ultimate time-wasting form of existence – to stay up late at night laughing to yourself while writing about peeing pyramids

See also: “tweet”

Synonyms: proper noun: Julia

tweet (tw–ee’-t)
verb twittle twottle tweet twert twot twirtle twitler twittering twottering twittwottweetering

1. To completely waste time and be looked down upon by the people who aren’t on twitter
2. To tell everyone things about you they don’t really need to know in 140 words or less
3. To utilize one more completely time-wasting website to its full potential

Synonyms: verb babble, adj pitiful

Antonyms: adj productive, adj respected

Automated Overload

Oh, the land of self-automated bathrooms. I’m not quite sure why we live in a world where we still have to take out the trash in the morning and scoop the lint out of the drier, yet we can go to bathrooms where we are relieved, cleansed, and dried with little to no effort on our own behalf.

Upon entering the restroom, you select your stall of choice (usually the second one, am I right?) You barely begin to use the toilet, when all of a sudden the toilet decides that, NOPE, you’re done! It doesn’t consult you, it doesn’t check in to see how you’re doing. Are you done yet? No? OK, still flushing anyways, DEAL with it. How thoughtful of that little eager toilet and its preemptive flush. What’s even better is the mist of dirty toilet water that has now been shot all over you, AWESOME. You continue on with your business, but now you’re nervous and fearful of the toilet’s erratic behavior. You’re scared of a toilet…what has your life come to? Eventually you survive this episode without another early flush, yet as you exit the stall, you have to hit the little pencil eraser-sized button because NOW the toilet won’t flush automatically. Brilliant.

You move on to the sink and take approximately 2 minutes doing the water-and-soap-dispenser-hand-wave-dance. This improvisational yet complicated and intricate dance is very similar to the ancient Native American dances to the rain and cleansing gods. When these “sink sensor gods” are pleased with your sacrifice, they’ll release the water to cleanse your dirty toilet water-misted hands. But don’t expect the water to last long, you must dance again and again.

Next you can marvel at the new version of the Dyson Airblade hand drier that shoots air at your skin at a super-high velocity. You stand, staring in amazement at the strange and somewhat pleasing contortions your skin can morph into (this is what it must feel like to go sky diving! you think). Who knew you had such freaking awesome skin? This is your favorite part of your automated bathroom journey, and after sticking your hands in the Airblade 3 more times, you leave the bathroom with a strange sense of accomplishment. You survived the automated-toilet, water, soap, and dryer-land yet again.

And as you reach for the bacteria-laden bathroom door with your beautifully clean hands, you realize that you’ll probably be right back there in the bathroom again in 20 minutes because of that Starbucks latte you just drank. But if there were such a thing as an automated Starbucks IV drip, it would so be worth it…

A game of Hangman played by:

A game of Mad Libs played by a...

The truck drove down the __(adj)___ road and all of a sudden a __(noun)___ jumped out and the people yelled "__(phrase)___!" Luckily, their __(adj)___ truck wasn't damaged and they all felt __(adj)___.

4-year-old boy:
poopy, tyrannosaurus rex, I have to potty, icky, sleepy

16-year-old girl:
bootylicious, hotty, Take off your shirt, pimpin', sexy

80-year-old man:
dagnabit, wheelchair, Slow down, 1930's, constipated

35-year-old man that thinks he's still 21:
killer, beer truck, KEGGER, bangin', wasted

SNAPSHOT of what it would look like if I were hooked up to an EKG heart monitor as I went through my daily life:

WARNING - BLOG READING MAY CAUSE UNCONTROLLABLE BODILY MOVEMENTS

Message I received today from Ashley L.:

"Ahhh! Your pie chart made me laugh while I was drinking my water, so now I have water in my crotch."

Proceed with caution, my friends, proceed with caution.

Pie chart of the pies I eat

A plea for friendship

This morning I was schooled on why it is not only acceptable, but also environmentally smart (darn you green people...) to pee in the shower.

A friendly email from Miss Maggie Stein:

"Honestly, I think your 'it all goes into the mix and gets washed away' defense for oceans, rivers, and lakes, is even MORE applicable to showers. The water is draining. You are covered in soap. I never pee at the end of the shower, when it might possibly linger. Also, I'm saving money on paper goods, and saving my toilet one extra flush - PEEING IN THE SHOWER IS ENVIRONMENTALLY CONSCIOUS!

Please don't stop being my friend."

Maggie. You pee on yourself DAILY. That is more of a reason for me to be your friend so that I can get you some HELP. Woven into this email is a subtle cry for salvation and I hear you, don't worry. I'm here for you, my friend. Ask anything of me and I'll do it.

Just please don't ask me to clean your shower.



DISCLAIMER - obvioussubleties.blogspot.com has received explicit permission by Miss Stein to publish her comments. We will not be held liable for any decrease in the number of facebook friends Miss Stein may experience, nor will we pay punitive damages for any emotional hardships that may befall her.

Time to ERASE

You’ve been there.... You go to call your friend to tell them about the hilarious thing that just happened. You find their name in your phonebook and hit SEND. The phone rings and rings until finally, at the very last minute, your friend answers. “CATHERINE!!!” you say. “YOU WON’T BELIEVE WHAT JUST HAPPENED!” Catherine responds with a rather hesitant, but enthusiastic, “What?!” You proceed to tell your long, hilarious story and then, when you’re done, Catherine is silent on the other end of the line. Did she not think it was funny? Did I say something wrong? Catherine then proceeds to ask…"Wait…who IS this?”

OH CRAP.

Oh no, you didn’t call the Catherine you thought you were calling. You called the Catherine that’s the sister of your friend in college that you hung out with one time and got her number just in case you got split up while hanging out that one night. Awesome. What do you do? Well, you pretend like you kind of called her on purpose and want to chat, because THAT'S A SMART WAY TO REACT, RIGHT? “OHHHH, Catherine! Hey!!! Yeah, well I didn’t mean to call you initially, but now that you’re on the line, how ARE you? What have you been up to the last 5 years?!.....OH, you’re MARRIED, are you? And you have KIDS! How great!...well, it was wonderful getting to talk to you, so glad we got to catch up after 5 years! OK, take care.”

END CALL.

IMMEDIATELY ERASE CONTACT.

SPEND THE NEXT 10 MINUTES GOING THROUGH PHONEBOOK ERASING ALL CONTACTS THAT YOU HAVE TO TAKE MORE THAN 2 SECONDS TO THINK OF WHO THE PERSON IS.

FUTURE.CRISES.AVERTED.

*sigh*

The "It's Socially Acceptable to Pee In a _____" Pyramid

If you fall at the top of the pyramid, I'm re-evaluating my friendship with you. And I will never take a shower at your place. That is all.

Vowels

I think vowels, like pennies, will one day become disregarded, cast away, no longer needed, no longer wanted.

4 wht rsn? B/c thts jst wht I 4-C.

Thnx, txt mssgng, thnx.