The Handbook On Holding The Door Open For Someone

Page 1:
Situation: When you walk through the door you are:
(a) 5 feet in front of someone – go to page 2
(b) 12 feet in front of someone – go to page 3
(c) 20 feet in front of someone – go to page 4

Page 2:
5 FEET IN FRONT OF SOMEONE. Solution: Hold the door open for the next person. Your kindness will be greatly appreciated. You are an excellent human being. Congratulations.

Page 3:
12 FEET IN FRONT OF SOMEONE. Solution: Walk a little slower as you approach the door so that the other person can catch up and it’s not awkward for them. Then act as if you both happened to arrive at the door at the same time. Although you lost 5 precious seconds out of your day, you are an incredible, upstanding citizen. Congratulations.

Page 4:
20 FEET IN FRONT OF SOMEONE:
Question: What do you want to be perceived as?
(a) A jerk – go to page 5
(b) A nuisance– go to page 6
(c) A kind person – go to page 7

Page 5:
BE A JERK. Solution: Don’t hold the door open for the person. They are slow and too far away. Yes, the door may still be closing as they reach it, but it is fate and they should deal with it. You are a jerk. Congratulations.

Page 6:
BE A NUISANCE. Solution: Hold the door open for the person. However, since they are far away, they have to either:
(a) be a jerk themselves by walking at the same pace they were originally walking at and make you wait by the door, or
(b) awkwardly start to jog to the door so that you don’t have to wait too long

Due to the fact that option (b) happens roughly 80% of the time, your “kindness” goes completely unappreciated, because you have now made this person jog to their destination when they would have been just fine opening the door for themselves. This person must then thank you for something they don’t appreciate and you feel a strong sense of displeasure. Sadly, all you are is a nuisance. Congratulations.

Page 7:
BE A KIND PERSON. Solution: This option does not exist. Person was too far back. Please refer to pages 5 & 6.