BB&B is ignoring me

UPDATE:
Following my June 23rd BB&B letter posting, it was suggested to me that I send my letter directly to BB&B. After about 0.25 seconds of thinking it over, I agreed that yes, this would be a good idea. I emailed them my letter and received this message back:

"Thank you, we appreciate your feedback. Your inquiry has been submitted to our Customer Service Center. We will respond to you in 24 - 48 hours."

Guess what - it's been a week. BB&B isn't returning my emails. What's next, not returning phone calls, not letting me in the store, NOT GIVING ME 20% OFF COUPONS *gasp*? What BB&B, are you getting cold feet? Am I too outspoken in our relationship? Is there another customer you've been seeing?

I'm changing my facebook status to "It's complicated" with BB&B. We're going on a break. I'm now on the market for other bedroom/bathroom/random crap stores.

Hey there, Target...

Irony.

Disney on Ice is coming to town. The show this year is Finding Nemo.

AKA: Fish on Ice.

Irony.

Random encounters

Prisoners get sick. What happens when prisoners get sick? They go to the hospital.

But wait, prisoners can’t just enter the front sliding doors like normal people, now can they? They’re all bound in chains and wearing bright orange jumpsuits. That would scare the little old ladies and make children cry in terror. That just isn’t acceptable, now is it?

How about the back entrance then? That should work. Yes, perfect, the back entrance.

Guess who else uses the back entrance to the hospital? That’s right, JULIA. Julia gets hungry sometimes. Julia needs food sometimes. Where is the closest place to get food? The hospital. What is the quickest route into the hospital? The back entrance.

Julia (peacefully content in her thoughts, minding her own business) approaches the back entrance. She looks up and realizes, hey, look at all these people in bright orange jumpsuits. Maybe this is the new landscaping crew uniform? Upon closer inspection, the landscaping crew seems to be shackled in chains. Hmm, that’s odd. And they’re being guarded by 6 very heavily-armed large men. How strange.

Oh wait, NEVERMIND, those are murderers, not the landscaping crew.

Julia continues to walk up to the back entrance and realizes that she has now somehow unofficially been assigned “designated door holder-opener” for the bound criminals. This is perfect. Let’s have the unarmed random girl be the hospital ambassador for the shackled hardened criminals. "Here, Mr. 50-Years-To-Life, let me grab that door for you. Enjoy your stay. I hear the jello tastes great."

Small word, big impact

Scatter plot of Julia's freckles as the summer progresses

Oh geez.

A dialogue I happened to hear between an incoming first-year and his Dad during UVA orientation week:

Boy: “What the hell is a Rotunda, Dad?”
Dad: “It’s a round building, son.”

Welcome to college, kid. Good luck.
Helpful hint - start studying now.

Dear Bed Bath & Beyond,

First things first, your name is a little too intense. The "beyond" part could easily be replaced with "kitchenware" or “George Foreman grills” or even “storage bins.” The word “beyond” takes me to some magical place where streets are lined with down comforters and everyone is wearing Snuggies as people sip Brita-filtered water and enjoy cocktails in their brightly colored martini glasses while burgers are sizzling away on Calphalon grill pans. What a magical land, this “beyond.” How I wish to visit it.

I would like to congratulate you, however, on your brilliance at dominating the wedding registry market. Perhaps this is where the “beyond” comes into play. Bed, Bath & Our Customers Will Pay All Of Our Kids’ College Tuitions From All The Money They Spend On Endless Wedding Registry Gifts. (It’s ok to stick with BB&B, that name is a little long and might (just might) turn some people off.) And the free wrapping? You found my weakness, BB&B. You had me at “free.” You are so kind to throw in that silver-colored box and little white bow, how could I ever thank you enough? Yes, my silver box shows that I don’t really care to be creative nor cute nor thoughtful in my wrapping, but hey, we can’t all be Martha. BB&B, I can come in 30 minutes prior to a wedding shower, get a gift, have it wrapped, and still have time to smell all of the candle fragrances. You allow me to be ME, and I thank you for that.

Finally, I would like to propose a suggestion. You know how you shower my mailbox weekly with coupons? And then send me emails with coupons? And then advertise in magazines I read with coupons? Well, maybe - just MAYBE - you could go ahead and make the whole entire store 20% off. Just a suggestion.

Until 30 minutes prior to my next wedding shower,
Julia

Guilt

You know those surveys you sometimes get in the mail where you open up the envelope and you find cash inside? Where they’re saying “Thank you in advance!” by giving you a crisp, new $2 bill?

Those surveys make my life morally miserable.

I, of course, put the $2 in my wallet (oh, how novel, a $2 bill!), and proceed to neglect to fill out the survey. Then, every time I open my wallet, that beautiful, blemish-free $2 bill stands sentry like a fire alarm wired to my conscious, triggering my guilt every time I see it. GREAT, now I feel guilty over 2 DOLLARS. So, I inevitable take the 30 minutes out of my life to fill out a survey about bathroom cleaning products (oh joy). Meanwhile, I’m secretly amazed at the marketing geniuses behind this brilliant scam. Kudos, marketing geniuses. You got me with $2. Kudos.

Ctrl alt delete

You know those lovely moments when your computer freezes and you need to get whatever program that's not functioning properly (and ruining your life) shut down? That's where the "ctrl alt delete" function steps in to save the day. Just think - what if ctrl alt delete not only worked in PC-land, but also worked in real life?

Situations in the past that I would have loved to escape from:

A date takes you to the dollar movie theater and brings 2 candy bars (one for you, one for him) in his jacket pocket – ctrl alt delete

You get a ticket from a cop while on your bicycle – ctrl alt delete

You almost accidentally burn your parents’ house down with a pair of underwear (don’t ask) – ctrl alt delete

You come home and find live crabs swimming in a kiddy pool on your living room floor – ctrl alt delete

You’re skiing, you lose control, you completely take out a random Chinese lady, you break her skis, she gets belligerent, and you have to get the cops involved – ctrl alt delete

You have to go to the bathroom really bad when you are driving in the middle of nowhere and have seen no cars for miles, so you pull over to go and right then someone drives by and sees you plain as day; and then they wave – ctrl alt delete

Things that just plain don’t make sense

- Vibrating phones that are louder than ringing phones
- Expiration dates on water
- Why people buy 10 of an item when the sign says
“10 for $10”
- Cleaning before the cleaning lady comes
- Outfits for dogs
- Homeless beggars with cell phones

One bite.

Scene: You’ve gone out to lunch with a friend. You order the burger and he/she orders the turkey club. It’s some dang good food, and you’re both enjoying it immensely. However, towards the end of your meal, your friend decides that he/she is just too full to eat any more, and the towel (aka, napkin) is officially thrown in. Upon a quick peripheral glance at his/her plate, you see that there is the tiniest portion of food still remaining. In fact, it is perfectly bite-sized. It’s the ideal bite, just one, like a little amuse-bouche, waiting, calling to be eaten. You are suddenly unaware of what your friend is talking about because you are now fixated on how he/she could possibly give up at this crucial point in the meal. It’s like racing to the finish line, seeing it, and then saying, OK, well, I think I’ll go sit down, I’m so worn out. HOW DARE THEY. Is that a way to live life? The perfect bite, wasted. As you continue to stare, it begins to call your name, but you don’t want it, you’re busy focused on your own personal goals. Really, would that last 20 calories kill him/her? Would sudden heartburn or indigestion result from that last hurrah? No, Perfect-Bite-Waster, no. And as you pay the check and push back your chair to leave, you give one last cursory glance to the beautiful bite and promise yourself that you will never create this type of food debauchery. And 4 hours later, when your friend complains of the onset of hunger? You shake your head in silence and think – if only, if only.

Flow chart of emotions I feel when I see someone on a :

Elevator etiquette

Sharing an elevator with someone instantaneously creates some sort of a social black hole. What do you say? Where do you look? There’s the obligatory upward glance at the flashing floor number, but then you must make sure to never make eye contact, nor even remotely look in the direction of the person next to you. You ride in silence, constantly debating whether or not to comment on the slow speed of the elevator or how it must be “stopping at every floor today!” chuckle, chuckle. No, you hesitate, and instead ride in this socially awkward, sterile metal cage up to your floor where you let out a sigh of relief at surviving yet another socially confusing episode. And then you realize you dropped your keys back on the first floor and must go retrieve them.

Locker room lockers

Why is it that when there are 5 rows of 300 lockers in a locker room, the gym employee only gives out keys to lockers that are all on the same row? Is it lax employee training? Is it a disgruntled employee that just doesn’t care? Or is it the college guy who works at the front desk that thinks it would be funny to make all the women have lockers next to each other?

I think we have a winner.

Round manholes

Manholes are round so that the manhole covers can never fall into the hole.
BRILLIANT!

My ring is round yet it can fall down the sink drain.
WELL, CRAP.

The Handbook On Holding The Door Open For Someone

Page 1:
Situation: When you walk through the door you are:
(a) 5 feet in front of someone – go to page 2
(b) 12 feet in front of someone – go to page 3
(c) 20 feet in front of someone – go to page 4

Page 2:
5 FEET IN FRONT OF SOMEONE. Solution: Hold the door open for the next person. Your kindness will be greatly appreciated. You are an excellent human being. Congratulations.

Page 3:
12 FEET IN FRONT OF SOMEONE. Solution: Walk a little slower as you approach the door so that the other person can catch up and it’s not awkward for them. Then act as if you both happened to arrive at the door at the same time. Although you lost 5 precious seconds out of your day, you are an incredible, upstanding citizen. Congratulations.

Page 4:
20 FEET IN FRONT OF SOMEONE:
Question: What do you want to be perceived as?
(a) A jerk – go to page 5
(b) A nuisance– go to page 6
(c) A kind person – go to page 7

Page 5:
BE A JERK. Solution: Don’t hold the door open for the person. They are slow and too far away. Yes, the door may still be closing as they reach it, but it is fate and they should deal with it. You are a jerk. Congratulations.

Page 6:
BE A NUISANCE. Solution: Hold the door open for the person. However, since they are far away, they have to either:
(a) be a jerk themselves by walking at the same pace they were originally walking at and make you wait by the door, or
(b) awkwardly start to jog to the door so that you don’t have to wait too long

Due to the fact that option (b) happens roughly 80% of the time, your “kindness” goes completely unappreciated, because you have now made this person jog to their destination when they would have been just fine opening the door for themselves. This person must then thank you for something they don’t appreciate and you feel a strong sense of displeasure. Sadly, all you are is a nuisance. Congratulations.

Page 7:
BE A KIND PERSON. Solution: This option does not exist. Person was too far back. Please refer to pages 5 & 6.