Short conversations in passing

Social norm: "Hi." "Hi!" "How are you?" "I'm doing fine, you?" "I'm doing well, thanks." "Good seeing you." "Yes, same!" "Bye!" "Bye!"


Proposed new social norm (feel free to add your own twist each time): "Hi." "Hi!" "My dog died when I was three." "I saw a squirrel that ate cheese and ran into a wall." "That hairball smells like coffee." "Smiley faces creep me out." "Bye!" "Bye!"

My car lies to me

Levels of Awkwardness

Slightly awkward: getting a full body massage

Highly awkward: realizing that the guy who gave you the massage lives in your apartment complex and you see him all the time

Betty had a strange feeling that she was different from the others...

Gmail Ads

Gmail advertisements are like the annoying friend that wants to be a part of the conversation but always jumps in at the wrong time, talks about something you said 5 minutes ago, and offers you advice you really don't want.

I told a friend in an email that I was getting my hair cut on Saturday. Five emails later, a Gmail ad tells me of a great female mustache waxing kit, while another offers me a scholarship to the School of Cosmetology and Esthetics in Boise, Idaho. FANTASTIC, Google, that's exactly what I need. You people are marketing geniuses.

Boise, Idaho, here I come!

That ONE SMALL DETAIL...

Guy you like but don't know well magically finds you on facebook:
YES! He somehow found me, this is GREAT!!

Guy you DON'T like and don't know well magically finds you on facebook:
CREEEEEPY!! Red flag! Red flag! How could he find me with the little information I gave him about myself? Even I can't find myself with what he knew about me! I have a stalker now! I need a restraining order.

Here's to you, Roller Shoe Inventor Man

Roller Shoe Inventor Man, you are the man. Never again will just walking on shoes be our only option. You started a trend that swept a nation off its feet. Kids across the country adore you, Roller Shoe Inventor Man, and all adults wish it could be socially acceptable to wear roller shoes too. You've enabled human beings to glide as if floating on air at any moment's notice. You've kept kids from that oh-so-boring monotony of walking, who needs THAT anyways?? Roller Shoe Inventor Man, where did you adopt your brilliance from? Rollerskates and rollerblades? Those are things of the past! Skateboards? Why, those can't even be attached to your feet! Roller shoes, however, WOW. Here's to you, Roller Shoe Inventor Man, we glide by and salute you.


PS - Kids on roller shoes annoy the crap out of me.
That is all.

W.T.M.O.P.F.L.O.A.Y.F.S. (Ways To Make Other People Feel Left Out and You Feel Special)

Acronyms.

A woman’s interpretation of a guy’s smile when passing on the street

1) Eyebrows lift, lips slightly purse up: he’s into himself, but being socially polite

2) Eyes squint, cheeks raise, mouth is closed, head bobs down: he’s a nice guy, but just happy because he has a girlfriend

3) Eyes squint more, cheeks raise, mouth is open, head bobs up: DOES HE LIKE ME?!?

4) Eyebrows lift, eyes squint, cheeks raise, mouth is open, head bobs down, left eye winks: he must be from the south

Washington, DC, Saturday, May 16, 2009:
6:43 pm:
- Julia arrives at gas station, pumps gas

6:47 pm:
- Julia goes inside, inquires about restroom; instructed to go around building, warned someone is in restroom with key

6:48 pm:
- Julia finds restroom, proceeds to wait

6:49 pm:
- Julia continues to wait

6:50 pm:
- continues to wait

6:51 pm:
- still waiting

6:52 pm:
- Julia considers options; no other gas stations/restaurants around

6:53 pm:
- Door opens, large black man emerges, looks bewildered; surprised to see Julia
- Julia tells of desire to use restroom
- Man pauses, looks around
- Man puts both hands up, declares entry into restroom not wise
- Man uses phrase, “girl, I just blew it UP in there”
- Julia busts out laughing

6:54 pm:
- Julia continues to laugh uncontrollably
- Man continues to use words “girl” and “blew up”
- Man suggests waiting at least 5 minutes before entering
- Julia still laughing uncontrollably
- Julia happy she hasn’t peed in pants
- Julia thanks man for honesty
- Man thanks God for restroom
- Julia still laughing

6:55 pm:
- Julia backs away, tells of ability to wait
- Man agrees it is wise
- Julia and Man part ways

Charlottesville, VA, Wednesday, May 20, 2009:
8:30 am:
- Julia still laughing

Last but not least

The phrase “last but not least” must never be used again. Let me present my case.

When we come to the last person in a list, it is far too common to say, “and, last but not least is ___!” If we’re going to make all things fair, I believe it is only right that we should start off by saying, “Now, first but not most, ___.” The first person should know right at the get-go that they really aren’t all that special. Then, what about the people in the middle? Let’s tell them, “middle but not average!” However, if the middle aren’t average, and the first aren’t most, and the last aren’t least, then WE HAVE A PROBLEM. Henceforth, I proclaim that the phrase “last but not least” is an utter logical conundrum that should be banished from the spoken English language effective immediately.

Thank you.

Riding someone’s bumper

When a person pulls out in front of you in their car and cuts you off, it is your moral duty to then ride their bumper. It is not you being obnoxious, it is you serving your fellow citizens in teaching this person a lesson. You can feel a sense of satisfaction from this “good” deed you are doing and completely write-off the fact that this “bad driver” ahead of you thinks you are a jerk. It is ok, you are helping him.

Haikus

Why do haikus make
it sound like you have a hard
time catching your breath?

A game of MASH played by Oprah as a child

Harmless things that freak certain people out

gravity: base jumpers
snow: Texans
water: airport security
melting ice: Al Gore
trees: skiers
sunshine: albinos

crazy? or bluetooth?

A homeless man walks by talking to himself. You think, “Wow, he must be crazy.” He turns his head and, surprisingly, has a bluetooth in his ear. “Oh, I guess I was wrong,” you think. Next a man in a business suit walks by talking to himself. “Definitely on his bluetooth,” you say. He turns his head and starts running towards you slinging bird feces, chewing his business cards, and screaming that he has gonorrhea. Nope. You were wrong again. Crazy.

Slipping on something wet

Kitchen floor = acceptable
Public pool = questionable
Pet store = not acceptable

Playing tic-tac-toe

Nicknames

Made-up or shortened versions of our names make us happy. It’s the thought that, “Hey, Suzie really likes me, she called me something special.” When in reality, Suzie doesn’t quite care for your name because she had a friend named Meredith who stole her boyfriend in the 7th grade and she now hates that name with a passion. So she calls you Mer. And you lover her for it.

Equation to calculate for when PDA is acceptable

(her age + his age/how public the place is)
x my personal dating status
x 100
= % acceptability

10 and 2

Gone are the days of being advised to drive with your hands at “10 and 2” on the wheel. That’s right, it’s now DANGEROUS. You might just break your fingers, wrist, or arms (not to mention your whole body, because guess what – you just crashed your car). Back off, 10 and 2, it’s time for 8 and 4 to take the driver’s seat. That’s right, you had your reign for years, let some other clock numbers spend some time in the spotlight. 12 and 6, you’re rouge numbers, we won’t acknowledge you. 7 and 5, keep working hard. Maybe in another 30 years you’ll have your day at the wheel.

my ability to focus, after a hot guy enters the room, over time

book smarts do not equal street smarts

Book smarts:
Pepper spray is a highly caustic chemical that, upon entering any facial orifice, will cause extreme stimulation of the pain-sensing nerves and will result in the body’s production (to little avail) of fluids to combat this foreign substance.

Street smarts:
Pepper spray is sitting at home on the counter in my other purse as I walk back to my car downtown at 1 am in the morning.

pile of clothes

There is no better feeling in the world than putting on fresh, clean clothes. However, there is no worse chore than folding them. You curse at the socks that slipped through the “pre-wash” cracks and missed the inside-out-flip as you begrudgingly return them to their rightful orientation. And the kleenex that hid better than Anne Frank in your jean pocket? The one that lovingly left you with tiny pieces of snowflake-like flecks all over your clothes? You silently rejoice at its watery demise. It deserved its fate, but unfortunately you have to hand-pick its remains off the entire load of darks you just washed.

things that make me both happy and disgusted at the same time

- old couples making out in public
- cleaning my hairbrush
- construction workers whistling at me
- squashing a cockroach with my shoe

facebook status

Why is it that we must update people we knew in junior high, our ex-boyfriend, and that history professor from college about our hour-by-hour status throughout the day? Do we really think that Billy from Miss Smith’s class 17 years ago cares that we’re “happy that our car passed inspection!” or “so tired from a long day but excited about eating some french fries!” Somehow, amazingly and indescribably, YES. They care.